ASK ALEX: "I'm Dating all Duds"
“How did you and Michael meet? I’ve been on so many dates and they’re all duds. I’d be curious to know how you met ‘the one’.”
I quite frequently get messages about Michael, my husband. People want to know where we met, how we started dating, or if he’s left me yet for constantly hiding behind things, attempting to scare him (Nope! Still here!). We have been together for seven years, married for two of them. It’s truly a marvel how we found each other but I think the most important thing to know is that if we had met even a week earlier, we may not be together today.
Going into college, I had just been dumped-via Gchat one night when I was studying. I was heart-broken and vowed I would spend the next four years focusing on my myself and my future. I did some ~light~ dating in college. Meeting guys at parties, going on dates (and getting stood up on them! Three times- TWICE THE SAME GUY). I did end up dating someone in my Junior year that I truly cared about and had feelings for. But something was off, it didn’t fit. I felt so fed up by dating and meeting guys that just weren’t right. I started to notice a pattern that any guy I had ever dated, I sacrificed a personal belief or personal need to be with them, and the lack of those things always caused our demise. It could be something as simple as believing in empathy, or as big as our spiritual and beliefs. I truly set myself, and the man, up for failure every time (don’t get me wrong, sometimes they were just jerks. Like the guy who told me he didn’t want a girlfriend, and the next night at a party…I met, HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND).
After breaking off a relationship and realizing my pattern, I sat down on my bed and wrote down five things that were my non-negotiables. The five things I needed in a partner to feel that this could be for the long-run. And these weren’t shallow, or surface necessities. I didn’t need him to drive a nice car or have Ryan Gosling’s abs. When I met Michael, I was driving a Saturn station wagon and my most major food-group was the Subway $5 footlong. It’s unfair to judge anyone by looks or what they have at the time. It’s human-nature to get caught up in what the outer world world sees, and those things are truly the most unimportant factors.
These five things were deeply personal. They were things that I needed a partner to have inherently. I couldn’t date another guy with no empathy or understanding, or someone who was more interested in playing games than being with me. These five things changed my perspective of what I needed in a partner, and the kind of partner I wanted to be. I wrote down my little list, tucked it away and then said I was “done with men and dating” for a while. The literal next day, I met Michael.
Will show our kids these pictures from 2012 and let them know it was the year of love, and the year of Four Loko. The two are not related (probably).
One of my closest and oldest friends, Jenny, had come over for drinks before going to Central Michigan’s most ESTEEMED social activity, “Pint Night” at The Wayside. She noticed a piece of mail stuck to our fridge, belonging to the name “Michael Ayaub”. She asked why we had it, and I explained that it had been was mis-delivered, and we were all too lazy to walk it down to the proper address. She said that she actually knew him from class, and that I should bring his mail to the bar (a great idea definitely motivated by Smirnoff RASPBERRY) and talk to him. I threw on my pleather DSW boots and stuck his mail in my Coach wristlet and off we went.
When we got to the bar, Jenny introduced us, and I handed over his mail. It had actually been a paycheck he had to report missing, so we were off to a great, romantic start. We talked for a bit, and to this day, I swear that as soon as we met, I felt a little “ping” in my stomach, almost as if it were telling me to pay attention. It also could have been that we were drinking $2 Coors Lights, but the romantic in me will say it was a sign. The more we spoke, the more I liked him. I accidentally dipped my hair in a beer, and he made me feel better by saying he was sweating. College romance is really a beautiful thing.
Michael offered to drive me home (he hadn’t been drinking, he is still always the most sensible person in the room). He dropped me off at my door...and didn’t ask for my number. I was devastated. I thought we had a great time, me with my hair soaking in beer, him with the sweat. The next day, Jenny and I devised a plan for me to see him again. The following weekend, a group of us went to a baseball game, Michael included. I bought a last minute ticket, grabbed my “Lauren Conrad for Kohl’s” leather jacket (I’m really trying to establish a visual time-period) and was ready to make a move. At the game, Michael finally asked for my number, “in case we got lost in the stadium”, and asked me out to dinner the next day.
We started dating quickly, and after a few months, we knew this was the real deal. It just felt like a given that we were supposed to be together. That doesn’t mean our relationship didn’t come without hardship. We had disagreements and arguments, usually stemming around our needs, and how we can adjust to one another’s. I really feel that people are too quick to end relationships. They see one fault, and walk away. No one, and no relationship is perfect. You aren’t looking for the perfect partner. You’re looking for someone who is willing to work on themselves and the relationship because they love and value you. I had to change a lot of habits, as did Michael. The things I needed to work on to fulfill Michael’s emotional needs, made me a better person, and vice versa. It was about growing together, not letting our imperfections tear us a part. Of course if you’re dating someone truly horrible, you can’t change inherently who a person is. The whole “I can change him!” approach is one that will always set you up for failure. It’s not your responsibility to change your partner- they have to want to grow with you. When someone shows you who you are, you have to believe them. Who knows you better than you?
About three years into our relationship, I was in a dark place. I had no real direction, felt stuck and depressed at my job, I felt simply lost. I questioned everything, and I told Michael I didn’t know if I could be in a relationship. I asked for two weeks without talking or seeing each other so that I could think. After two weeks, we could assess our relationship. Michael respected my space, but towards the end of the 14 days, he made a small gesture solidifying that no matter what, he was the thing in my life, maybe the only thing, that I was sure of.
One night, Michael sent me a picture of myself. Unbeknownst to me, he had taken a picture of me at another baseball game. It had been raining, I was wearing a giant plastic rain poncho and my hair was matted down to my face. I was face deep in a jumbo hot dog, ketchup on me like makeup, mouth wide open and ready for Ballpark Frank bliss. It was followed by the simple message “I will love you no matter what”. I laughed so hard I cried, then I just cried. I knew then that what I was going through, would pass. But Michael was a constant.
I don’t have the hot dog photo (Michael has all rights to it) to share with you, but here we are in the ponchos, enjoying a rainy, disgusting time!!
It’s been 7 years filled with happiness and love and laughter, but also hardships, compromise and learning. I’m just going to say it: marriage, and serious relationships, aren’t natural. Someone can be your absolute soulmate, and it’s still hard as hell to mesh to another person’s needs and every aspect of their personality. All relationships are a continual give and take, saying “I’m sorry” (which I am the WORST at), and learning how you both can be better. These moments of frustration and disagreement are going to be a given. What makes the difference is if you feel the person you’re going through it with is worth the internal work for change, and if they’re willing to do the same.
Make your list. Know what you need, and be a champion of it. Be open to listening what your partner needs- it might just make you a better person, and your relationship something of dreams. Like the kind that has you crying over a picture of yourself deep-throating a hot dog at 2am. Who said fairytales aren’t real?
