A Day in The Life: (Almost) 24 Hours with Me!
Most all of us have read a version of “A Day With… ” or “24 Hours in The Life of …” in a magazine. They’re a personal favorite of mine, I eat up every word. I am well aware that each one is typically filled with unrealistic expectations of every day life, like “6:00am: I drink a pitcher of hot water with lemon for one hour, until my trainer shows up and my chef cooks me an omelet”. They’re usually a fascinating look into the lives of the rich and famous, but often leave me wondering “why doesn’t my life look like that? What am I doing wrong?” My brain completely omits the part where I don’t have a chef, I don’t even have a lemon.
I thought I would share a true look into a day in my life (let’s assume this is a day off/weekend). It’s part parody, but 100% reality at the same time. Does this mean my life is a joke? If so, I can think of no better time for a laugh. Enjoy one at MY EXPENSE!
6:15am: My alarm starts to go off, I set it early so I could get up and workout. In an attempt to stop the ringing, I accidentally knock my phone to the ground, deem I need a break due to this inconvenience, and go back to sleep.
7:30am: I finally wake up, make a mental note that I’ll work out tomorrow (lol). Michael just fed Maple, who now is running up the stairs to do his morning routine of jumping up on the bed, sitting on my chest, and burping in my face. I truly did not know dogs could burp. What a gift. I’ll spend a few minutes talking to Maple like an absolute idiot, then get up and get going.
7:45am: I throw my retainer in some denture cleaner, rinse my face with water and spray it with fresh rose water. Just kidding, it’s Mario Badescu that I picked up while waiting in line at Nordstrom Rack. Also the nozzle broke and it sprays everywhere so I have to apply it like I’m having a seizure.
8:00am: I put some coffee on, and I drink a full glass of water before having my first cup of coffee. It’s not for health reasons. It’s something to distract me so I don’t drink it all right out of the pot. I have two cups while I answer emails, leaving myself feeling nice and jittery. I think shaking is another word for it, but tomato to-mato.
9:00am: By now I’m showered, dressed and begging Michael to make some eggs so I don’t faint from all the caffeine. He says he will, but then we discover we only have one egg. I eat four “cuties” instead and complain that this wouldn’t be an issue if he let me build the chicken coop I’ve always wanted.
10:00am: Michael is in the shower. I say I’m going downstairs to read a book. I actually spend 25 minutes trying to teach myself how to “throw it back” from instructional videos on TikTok. I pull a muscle in my back. I tell no-one.
10:30am: I call my mom and we talk for thirty minutes about absolutely nothing. Michael asks me what we talked about after, and I truly couldn’t name a thing. But it was nice and necessary to the schedule of speaking to my mom a minimum of 5 times a day.
11:00am: We take Maple for a walk through our neighborhood, where another dog violently barks at him from behind a fence, and I call it a “demon ass B”. Turns out the owner was right there, I don’t know if he heard me, but just to be safe, we will never walk that way AGAIN!
12:00pm: I come to the realization that if I don’t eat a proper meal, I will die. So we make grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch. Michael mentions that we don’t have any dairy-free cheese so I can’t have one. I tell him to mind his business and I slap two more pieces of bread in the pan.
12:06pm: I rush upstairs for a mysterious reason. It is unrelated to the grilled cheese.
12:30pm: I throw some laundry in, clean up the bedroom, bathroom, and the mess I made yesterday when I tried to make a pampas grass arrangement I saw on Pinterest. In retrospect, I should have done it outside. Or just not at all.
2:00pm: I lay down on the couch to catch up on this week’s “Grey’s Anatomy”, because I’m trash. There’s a guest appearance in this episode that I KNOW I’ve seen in another movie recently. I come to realize it’s Beanie Feldstein, so I spend the next three hours watching “Neighbors 2”, again, because I’m trash.
6:00pm: Oh, the movie ended but I fell asleep on the couch, a deep mouth-breathing sleep. Time well spent.
7:00pm: We eat dinner, pour some wine and decide on a movie to watch. I spend the next 2.5 hours of “Ford vs. Ferarri” refreshing Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/TikTok/The Real Real. Basically, I do anything but watch the movie. I read an article on it once, I feel like I know everything I need to know.
9:30pm: We get ready for bed and I chug a glass of water. I realize I never put my retainer back in the whole rest of the day, and have no choice but to lie to my dentist next week when he asks if I’ve been wearing it.
9:32pm: Michael has fallen asleep. I lie awake until about 11:00pm, when he violently rolls over and accidentally punches me in the neck.
1:14am: I wake up to go to the bathroom. Most people would know it was the water. I do not correlate the two, so I fall back asleep making a mental note that I should call a doctor about my bladder. All in a day’s work!!!
